Hi friends. My name is Colleen and I am a perfectionist. If you know me even a little bit, you probably have had an inkling of this character trait I possess. I am perpetually trying to improve on every single task I do, while rarely feeling that I have put enough effort into anything. Now this might sound like a good thing, and I guess it can be for a large percentage of the time. But the downside is this… I can never relax. And I think it sometimes really hinders my happiness or ability to live in the moment. Examples you ask? Well I will give them to you.
Exhibit A: College. What were normal people doing? Going to frat parties. Exploring campus. Joining fun club things. What was I doing? Studying…all…the…time. Just ask Corey. He would come visit on the weekends and I would still spend Saturday nights studying. If I didn’t get at least a 92 on a test, I would have a meltdown. It was unecessary. I calmed down some in grad school, but not enough.
Exhibit B: High school tennis. I was actually pretty good at tennis in high school. Ask me if I picked up a racket in the last 6 months (because I haven’t, tis a shame). During the school day of a tennis match, I would be terrified. Like, physically terrified. Want to know why? Because I was afraid of losing, or playing poorly, or not living up to expectations. When I lost for the first time during an undefeated season my senior year, I cried for two days.
Exhibit C: Life man, just life. I am constantly jealous of Corey’s ability to let things go and just live. I don’t have that ability. If I relax and just read or watch TV without accomplishing something, I feel so guilty. During my honeymoon, I was worried that I could have improved upon the wedding. When I got home, I was worried that I hadn’t enjoyed the honeymoon enough. When I’m doing something for the blog, I am worried that I am not getting work work done. When I’m working, I’m worried that I’m not enjoying life enough. If I work on the weekends, I am stressed because I’m not cleaning. If I clean on the weekends, I am stressed because I’m not working. It is exhausting.
So I have been working on letting go a little more, and have been improving slowly but surely. Maybe one day I will leisure freely without feeling an ounce of guilt. Until then, I will continue to live in my little perfectionist world.
Do any of you guys have this problem? Any ideas on how I can ease my perfectionist streak? Happy Friday everyone! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!